Before it began, it already happened.

Before it began, it already happened. That was my very first understanding of the 5. 

This is what happened:

I was in a soft bed, I inhaled through an argon vape, I held in the cool air in my lungs and as soon as my head hit the pillow, my reality glazed over with overlapping visuals. The feeling intensified to a point so I closed my eyes. Instantaneously, I seized to exist. There was only darkness. Time and space don’t exist here. There was no me, no others, no the world we as we know it, just emptiness. Then a light appeared from the bottom, it was Buddha. An overwhelming glow took over me, Buddha was me, everyone, everything. I dissolved into everything. Everything was nothing and nothing was part of forever. 

My mental self and soul gave in. Everything dissipated into one nothingness and vibrates at the same frequency. Being and not existing at the same time. I was everything and everything is One. Peacefulness. If that’s what Nirvana is, then I’ve reached it. 

Enlightenment. 

Then I could feel my heartbeat, it was pounding hard. I wanted to die, to go back to that euphoria, that Oneness. Then I dropped through a dark tunnel with large thorns, afterward, I was in a bright mirror-like dome space with the most beautiful primary-colored, geometrical patterns. The farther I looked, the dome just extended. The sensation felt like all my cells turned into pieces of thin beautiful, colorful dome glass. This dimension exists both inside and outside of myself. There was no inside or out, just being. The feeling and those patterns were unbearably beautiful. Everything was vibing at the same frequency. 

Every inch of my cell was a universe. I took it in. In reality, it looked like I was tasting with my mouth. Unbearable euphoria washed over everything, music with messages about eternity roared into my consciousness. An entity or a few of them were in the dome dimension with me, they were people-like, giant, transparent brain with light-colored patterns, white (that’s the closest color alike) robe-wearing entity or entities. On hindsight, they might be the people with me in the room in reality, but they possess a power over this space that made me scared and humble in awe.

The primary colored-dome/dimention kept changing patterns. My cells were overwhelmed with sensations unlike anything worldly. It was utter euphoria. There was no use resisting, only letting them in, and they washed over me. It was love, it was fear, it was everything beyond what I can think of or have words for. There was no logic or thinking, only feeling. 

Surrender. 

Then opened my eyes I looked around the room. I saw my husband, I remembered my sister and my family. I can’t die, not now. I’m so lucky to be alive, to be loved. A wave of gratitude washed over me. I started sobbing. This fuckin' beautiful world, how silly was I to think that I can things to happen that's beyond my control. Everything I was hung up on is only a speckle in life. I know what I want to do with my life now. I also know what’s important but there will be a lot of work ahead of me. I’m so thankful to be alive. I kept crying while slowly coming out of it. My work has just begun.

Reborn.

我只記得我坐在一張非常舒適的床，周圍圍繞著關心我與我關心的人。一個灌滿氬氣的電池煙斗出現在眼前。一股腦的我吸入裡面的煙霧、閉氣、躺下。當頭接觸柔軟的枕頭上時，我的眼睛似乎上了一層暖色調的幾何透明圖層。這個感受太強烈，所以閉上了眼睛。瞬間的「我」不再存在，只有黑暗。時間空間全部消失，沒有我、沒有其他人、沒有我所認知的世界及現實。剩下一個黑暗，不冷不熱因為我已經失去感受。不知道時間過了多久從意識下方出現一陣光，這陣光漸漸擴大，是佛，超級光亮的光一點都不刺眼，因為眼睛早已不存在，只有感受。佛是我、是眾生、是萬物。我即是萬物，萬物是全部也是無，這個無即是永遠。

我的意識及靈魂早已投降，全部的全部早已昇華成無並顫動在同一個頻率上。存在與不存在不是兩極而是無盡的循環。萬物歸一，極樂世界。沒有感受，只有無盡的平和，我想這就是涅槃。

豁然了悟

這時開始我感受到我的心跳，不過身體形態仍是不存在的。我想再回去剛才的涅槃狀態，歸一。這時我正墜落在一個有荊棘的黑洞。出現到一個極致絢麗的次元裡，充滿紅綠藍及光形成的幾何圖形的地方。圓頂狀的次元，當我試圖專注在某一個圖形，那個圖形將無限延伸。這是我細胞、分子的延伸。分子變成無限色彩的薄玻璃，出現在我的內與外，內與外不再是兩極而是循環。全部的全部顫動在同一個頻率上。如此極致的美麗，耳朵出現天籟之音跟著頻率顫動著這個次元。

我臣服。

每個分子都是宇宙，我的每個分子已臣服於祂，感受祂的全部與我的融合。實際上，我張開了嘴伸了舌頭在品嚐牠。極致的欣快感覆蓋全部，音樂及其中關於永恆的訊息如雷霆般湧入我的意識中。我感受到旁邊有其他的形體，他們形象如人，但他們的腦袋巨大並呈透明狀，有粉紅色的光循環在他們的腦裡。白光形成的外衣。他們在次元裡的出現讓我感到畏懼及敬畏，同時自我意識早已無蹤。

原色的次元在變換形狀，我的分子已昇華成一部分，極致的欣快感充滿著每個分子、發亮。欣快感的成分有愛、有畏懼、有希望、有死亡全部已成為無盡的循環，歸一。思想及意識不再，只有精神昇華。

這時我睜開了眼，看到我四周的人，我記得這個世上的所有事物。我開始哭泣，我們的美即是我們的脆弱，我們所犯的全部過錯讓我們成為美麗的人類。我的心充滿感動、悲憫及愛，我是如此的幸運可以擁有這次生存在這個世上的機會。我流的淚是感激，是我對於在這世上萬物的感激。之前拘泥的事物讓現在的我感到可愛，因為存在只是一個意識。我的眼淚不斷的湧出，如果剛剛的感受是死亡，那我已經不畏懼死亡，但我需要在這世上好好活著，活出最好的我，盡我所能讓萬物共生。眼前的工作才正要開始。

重生。