我們與 J 的小故事 A little FAQ of our little J

看著 J 即將 18 個月，我們與他相處的日子也是寥寥無幾，想說可以來個簡單的 Q&A。
As J is approaching 18 months, I thought it would be nice to have a simple Q&A session to answer some of the frequently asked questions by friends and family. 

你們是如何找到機會可以寄養 J 的？

我們在 2022 一月時，也就是我最後一次試管沒有很成功也沒有植入後，我決定不要再做人工受孕的一年裡想針對生活做一些改變，調整心情。應我先生建議，我找到愛慈基金會的寶寶中心可以當寶寶志工的機會。當時我好需要一個可以轉移我注意力的東西，因為我對於我自己的能力感到好徬徨，看到寶寶中心的志工內容就正中我的需要，就馬上聯絡中心窗口報名志工說明會。

在農曆年過完，三月我們就參加了志工說明會，積極地完成訓練就開始每週四晚上與先生去做志工。每週四幾乎都準時報到。每次就是三小時，包括餵寶寶食物、陪他們玩、換尿布跟清掃他們遊玩的遊戲區。每次去我們都感到很滿足，靈魂瞬間被填滿。到了五月，疫情開始變得超級嚴重，有些寶寶進進出出醫院，我們當時也愛莫能助（因為很多時候都是「主管機關規定」）。還好當時我們也確診，不過沒有任何太多不舒服或問題。為何說「還好」呢？因為寶寶中心志工也停了一個月，一直到了六、七月只讓有確診過的志工回去幫忙，所以我們可以回去當志工。有一天志工窗口問說我們是否願意當一個週末的寄家，因為那週末中心跟辦公室要做大消毒，全部寶寶都要被帶回家。當時我們就答應了。

之後，窗口也順勢地問說我們願不願意當 J 的長期寄家。在知道週末寄家計畫即將在 2023 6月結束，並且不會再繼續，我們就覺得就當吧！然後我們跟 J 的緣份就此展開。

備注：愛慈基金會只照顧零歲到18個月的寶寶。之後寶寶就會依照當時寶寶的戶籍或母親居住地被社會局分配到機構或是全職寄家，直到被領養。

How did you find the opportunity to foster J?

In January 2022, after my last unsuccessful IVF attempt, and decided to take a break from fertility treatments for a year, I wanted to make some changes in my life and adjust my mindset. Following my husband's suggestion, I found an opportunity to volunteer at the Baby Center of AidsCare.org. I needed something to divert my attention because I was feeling uncertain and unsure about my own core abilities in being a woman. When I came across the volunteer program at the Baby Center, it was exactly what I needed. I immediately contacted the center and signed up for the volunteer orientation.

After the Lunar New Year, we attended the volunteer orientation in March and actively completed the training. I started volunteering every Thursday evening with my husband. Each session lasted three hours, including feeding the babies, playing with them, changing diapers, and cleaning the play area. Every time we went, we felt fulfilled, and our souls were instantly satisfied. 

In May, COVID in Taiwan became extremely severe, and some babies were in and out of the hospital. Unfortunately, we couldn't help them due to regulations imposed by the authorities. Fortunately, we also tested positive for COVID-19, but thankfully we didn't experience any significant discomfort or problems. Why do I say "fortunately"? Because the baby center suspended the volunteer program for a month. It wasn't until June and July that they allowed volunteers who had previously tested positive to come back and help. One day, the volunteer coordinator asked if we were willing to be a weekend foster family because the center and office needed to disinfect, and all the babies had to be taken home for the weekend. We agreed to do it that one time.

After that, the coordinator asked if we were interested in becoming J's long-term foster family. Knowing that the weekend fostering program would end in June 2023 and wouldn't continue, we thought, why not? And that's how our journey with J began.

Note: AidsCare.org only cares for babies from zero to 18 months old. After that, the babies are allocated to institutions or full-time foster families based on their registered household or the mother's place of residence until they are adopted.

你可以領養 J 嗎？ 

不可以，應該說不可能。

台灣在十年前的領養政策改革，根據兒少法第16條第1項規定，除了：
1. 旁系血親在六親等以內及旁系姻親在五親等以內，且輩分相當者（即親戚收養）

2. 或夫妻之一方收養他方子女（即繼親收養）。這兩種情形可以指定收養。

其他無血緣關係的收養均須透過收出養媒合機構評估，代尋適當之收養人以進行媒合，不得透過親友介紹私下收養，否則此等收養案件皆屬不合法。

其實大家以前都聽過童養媳，或是之前有人把別人家小孩抱來養。如果遇到好的人家會把抱（買）來的捧在手心裡，壞的真的就是抱來當奴隸。兩者我其實都聽過會身邊的朋友親身經歷過。所以台灣政府因當時被聯合國列入「人口走私」需被觀察名單中，愛面子又想進聯合國的台然政府的做法一定就是矯枉過正。

加上目前出養機構都限制領養夫妻不得大於被領養孩子年紀的 50 歲，而且是選年紀大的一方為標準。我先生現在 54，如果經歷收養家庭的程序，又會是兩年，當拿到領養家庭資格時，就是 56 ，也就是當下我們可領養的孩子必須是 6 歲以上。我們目前對於正式開始做收養程序沒有太多想法，但如果真的要認真成為領養家庭，我會想先了解現在在台灣是否有六歲以上的孩子還在社會局系統裡，他們在為何沒有在更小的時候被領養的原因。

反正就因為這些林林總總的原因在一開始我就明白，所以要收養 J 的這件事我早已坦然接受，目前反倒是先生正在調適中。

Can you adopt J? 

No, it's not possible.

In Taiwan, adoption policies were reformed ten years ago. According to Article 16, Paragraph 1 of the Child and Youth Welfare Act, with two exceptions:

1. Adoption by blood relatives within the sixth degree of kinship or by relatives by marriage within the fifth degree of kinship and of similar generations (i.e., relative adoption).
2. Adoption of the spouse's child by one of the married couples (i.e., step-parent adoption). These two situations allow for specified adoptions.

All other adoptions without blood relations must be evaluated and matched through adoption agencies. It is illegal to privately arrange adoptions through personal introductions from friends or relatives.

In the past, there were cases of adopting child brides or people taking (buying) other people's children to raise. If they were lucky, they would be embraced by a good family, but if they were unlucky, they would be treated as slaves. I have heard both stories from friends who have experienced them firsthand. Therefore, due to Taiwan's government being listed in the UN's "Observation List" for human trafficking and wanting to save face while seeking entry into the UN, the government's actions tend to swing to extremes.

Additionally, current foster care institutions in Taiwan limit the age of adoptive couples to be no more than 50 years older than the child to be adopted, with preference given to the older person.

My husband is currently 54 years old. If we were to go through the foster care process, which takes about two years, by the time we become qualified for adoption, he would be 56 years old. That means the child we could adopt at that time would have to be over 6 years old. At the moment, we don't have much intention to start the formal adoption process, but if we were to seriously consider becoming an adoptive family, I would first want to understand why there are children over 6 years old still in the social welfare system in Taiwan and why they haven't been adopted at a younger age.

Due to all these various reasons, I understood from the beginning that adoption for J was not a possibility, and I have already accepted that. Currently, it is my husband who is adjusting to this reality.

照顧 J 的過程中有什麼樣的發現？

很多人說一有孩子就沒了自己，的確，但主要就是來自於寶寶很需要你的照顧跟關心，因為他們什麼都不會啊～ XDDDD

一開始照顧 J 時，一下子生活裡的輕重緩急瞬間重新排列，很多小事就變得不重要。大方向變得很明確 - 就是他的生活作息，然後他的作息就變成我們安排週末的作息。

他睡覺，我跟先生交棒外出運動

他醒來，我們（但主要是我餵他），換尿布，陪他玩，帶他出去。

一開始跟他在一起，我就會全神貫注在他身上。雖然他不用無時無刻有人陪，但我都會注意他在幹嘛，也發現自己在無腦滑手機的時間大減，或幾乎沒有。對於自己的需求也完全忽略，一開始一天下來會發現沒吃飯，或發現自己身體竟然多出一些瘀青或破皮也是發覺時才覺得：

喔～原來瘀青了！（但完全想不到到底是何時發生的）--- 媽媽金魚腦完全顯露在我一開始帶 J 的幾個月。

另外，我把我之前知道的父母寶典，及我在加國的表妹他自己的御用育兒部落格裡的東西拿出來真的用在他身上。結果發現，小寶寶的適應力真的是很強。很多父母，尤其是新手爸媽，會很順著孩子的睡眠時段，但其實卻害慘了自己。有些到兩歲都還要半夜起來喝奶。但其實這些都可以在寶寶 3, 4 個月開始訓練他們吃奶時間。只要吃奶時間固定在某些時刻，午睡固定在某些時刻，寶寶其實最早在 4 個月就可以睡過夜！J 在中心的作息其實很巧的就是按照育兒部落客上說的時段吃奶及睡覺，所以到我們家要睡過夜真的很容易。

還有，小寶寶其實不需要我們無時無刻照顧他們，在會爬後，反倒需要更多的指引，讓他們去探索身邊的事物。所以從 J 會爬開始就是讓他到處爬，東西只要沒有電或屎都可以往嘴巴裡塞。吃東西也會做一些會用一些不同香料或食材，如堅果、起司、優格、西藏料理給他吃。在外出玩，也是讓他到處跑，但會用口頭警告及語氣告訴他什麼要小心。跌到是一定的，但他也很快學會什麼碰到下階梯一定要停止快跑，看地上再慢慢下去。

What were your findings when taking care of J?

During the process of taking care of J, I made several observations. Many people say that once you have a child, you lose your personal time, and indeed, it mainly stems from the fact that babies require your care and attention because they don't know how to do anything yet! 😄

When I first started taking care of J, the priorities and urgency in my life instantly rearranged. Many trivial matters became unimportant. The overall direction became clear: it was her daily routine and schedule, which then became our weekend plans.

When she sleeps or naps, my husband and I take turns going out to workout.

When she wakes up, we (but mainly me) feed her, change her diapers, play with her, and take her out.

When I'm with her, I'm fully focused on her. Although she doesn't need someone by her side at all times, I pay attention to what she's doing. I've also noticed a significant decrease, or almost none at all, in mindlessly scrolling through my phone. I completely neglect my own needs, and at the end of the day, I might realize that I forgot to eat or notice some bruises or scratches on my body, without any recollection of when they happened. This is when my "mom brain" fully reveals itself during the first few months of taking care of J.

Furthermore, I applied the parenting knowledge I had gathered from various sources, including parenting books I had read and the parenting blog of my cousin in Canada. I discovered that babies like J have remarkable adaptability. Many parents, especially new ones, tend to adjust their own sleep schedules according to their baby's sleep patterns, which ultimately causes more trouble for themselves. Some parent friends of mine even continue waking up in the middle of the night to feed their children even when they reach the age of two. It is possible to train babies to have fixed feeding times starting from around three to four months of age. As long as feeding times are set at specific moments and nap times are consistent, babies can actually sleep through the night as early as four months old! Interestingly, J's routine at the childcare center coincidentally aligned with the suggested feeding and sleeping times mentioned in the parenting blog, making it easier for her to sleep through the night when she's with us during the weekends.

Additionally, I learned that babies don't require constant supervision. After they start crawling, they actually need more guidance to explore their surroundings. So, from the moment J started crawling, we encouraged her to explore freely. We allowed her to put almost anything in her mouth as long as it wasn't dangerous or dirty. We introduced different flavors and ingredients to her diet, such as nuts, cheese, yogurt, and even Tibetan cuisine. When we went out to play, we let her roam around, but we would verbally warn and use our tone to alert her to be careful. Falling is inevitable, but she quickly learned to be cautious when encountering stairs and to stop running fast, look down, and descend slowly.

照顧 J 但最後不能收養，那目的是什麼？

很多人知道我們是他的寄家說我們很有愛心，但真的就是來自我內心很想分享母愛這回事而已。反倒是我跟先生非常感激 J 跟單位給我們這個機會讓我們來照顧他。

對我們來說，J 真的就是給我們的禮物，讓我們有當父母的機會、讓我體會可以恣意的愛一個孩子的感覺、讓我有機會看著他的成長：從只是一個四個月大很喜歡伊伊啊啊說話的可愛寶包，到練習坐會坐、到開始練爬、到會爬、到開始站、會站會走，這些點點滴滴都是我們非常珍惜的記憶，也都是 J 給我們的禮物。

最後我們最終期望的就是用照顧跟愛自己的孩子的方式，照顧跟愛一個跟我們沒有血緣關係的寶寶，看他長大。然後從我們這邊離開時，希望他是充滿滿滿的愛與安全感的。因為我在《誰來晚餐》的公視節目裡，看過許多被收養的孩子，他們不管是多小被收養，好像長大都會有一個不安全感跟不確定自己的價值在哪。我們就只是希望他可以少一點不會有（有點太強球）那樣的感覺，知道他其實一出生就是備受關愛的寶寶。

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其實讓我最訝異的就是我願意把我最柔軟的一部分毫無保留的給一個寶寶。如果今天不是 J ，我也很樂意給任何一位在中心的寶寶。現在想想，既然我都可以，那我覺得其他一般在愛裡長大的人應該都是可以這樣付出的。這樣的想法或許很幼稚或無知也很拔辣，但讓我覺得我們存在這世界上真的是為了愛，沒有別的了。

If you can't adopt her at the end, what's the point?

Many people know that we were a foster family for J and they say we are so loving and caring to do such a generous thing, but the truth is that it simply comes from a deep desire within myself to share this maternal love. So to tell you the truth, my husband and I are the lucky ones here. We are extremely grateful to J and the agency for giving us the opportunity to care for her.

For us, J was truly a gift. She gave us the chance to experience parenthood, to feel the unconditional love for a child, and to witness her growth: from being a cute little bundle at four months old, babbling and cooing, to practicing sitting up, then crawling, and eventually standing and taking those first steps. These precious moments are cherished memories for us.

In the end, our ultimate hope was to care for and love this baby who isn't biologically related to us, just like we would our own child, and to see her grow. And when she eventually leaves our care, we want her to feel loved and secure. This is because I have seen many adopted children on the television program "Guess Who" on Public Television. Regardless of their age at adoption, it seems like they often carry a sense of insecurity and uncertainty about their own worth. We simply want J to have fewer of those feelings and to know that she has always been a cherished baby since birth.

Actually, what surprises me the most is how willingly I can give my most tender and vulnerable self to a baby. If it weren't for J today, I would gladly give that to any baby in the childcare center. Now that I think about it, if I can do it, then I believe anyone who grew up surrounded by love should be capable of giving in the same way. This thought may seem naive or ignorant, even a bit cliche, but it makes me feel that our existence in this world is truly about love, nothing else matters.

後記：

J 的大小事

1. 他第一個最愛（也是可以玩）的玩具是風扇LED面板跟藍色的寶特瓶
2. 他第一個會做的大人的事是會彈舌（像你說，用舌頭做啦的動作但聲帶沒有發出聲音）
3. 他第一個會說的字是「來來來來來」因為當時在學走路，他聽了很多次
4. 他第一次（跟最後一次）的爬行比賽原地不動
5. 他第一首認識的歌是「小星星」
6. 他說「媽媽」的意思不是叫人，是餓了或渴了
7. 他不喜歡奶嘴，喜歡咬布睡覺或安撫自己
8. 現在看到任何東西都是「狗狗」

J's little milestones:

1. Her first and favorite (also playable) toy is the fan with an LED panel and a blue water bottle.
2. The first adult-like thing she does is tongue-clicking.
3. The first word she says is "come, come, come, come, come" because she heard it many times while learning to walk.
4. Her first (and last) crawling race results in staying in the same spot without moving.
5. The first song she recognizes is "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star."
6. When she says "mama," it doesn't mean calling for someone; it means she's hungry or thirsty.
7. She doesn't like pacifiers but chews on a gauze or piece of cloth instead to pacify herself.
8. Everything she sees and identifies she calls it "go go" (which can mean doggie or big brother in Chinese).

Bye Bye 2022 【簡單回顧】與 2023 期待

新的一年即將來到（明天）來回顧一下 2022 到底對我及我先生有什麼樣的成長及體驗。

一年沒有做 IVF：這個決定在去年這時候決定的，因為最後一次的 IVF 並沒有很好的結果。不過有一顆冷凍的D5 3CC 受精卵。這一整年的確是少了一些壓力，因為每次要來月經時都會乖乖的認命。

新的飲食習慣：我們嘗試了全食 30，身心靈感覺都很好。很辛苦因為幾乎都要自己做菜。可能新的一年會再飲食正常點（不吃炸的、麥麩類、少吃穀類）因為六月我們想再做一次 IVF。

身體更健康：跟新的飲食有關的就是，既然都在嘗試自然受孕，我們也在嘗試的抗老化的一些生活型態跟營養品，目前在做了快一年也有不錯的成效。我的生理週期很穩定，12月的週期也令人驚訝的比之前長（回復到之前的 28 天，2021-2022都是 25-26 天）。

更少的焦慮：其實在學習呼吸作用後跟工作不再是高壓無頭緒的被領導後，我的焦慮感少許多。

製造更多 social 的機會：可能是因為年紀的關係，知道朋友要交到心（交新）的機會是越來越難得，所以對於目前有的朋友是份外珍惜，也在 2022 年更常與朋友約出來吃飯。

做些積極的財務規劃：真的是投資有賺有賠，NFT、虛幣都買了，但幾乎真的就是慘兮兮哈哈哈！！！不過其他正常股票跟基金都還好，因為有開始小賺。ㄎㄎ

J 來到我們的生命裡：我的孩子不是我的孩子真實呈現在我們的生活裡。只要有 J 的週末裡，我們真是超開心又超累。也非常感恩有 J 。

其實 2022 對我們兩個人來說是真的收穫滿滿。還可以在四年後回美國探親，看到從未謀面的小姪子，真的是很開心。對於 2023 我希望：

IVF 或自然受孕順利讓我懷上一個我們的寶包

開始自己的事業：將目前所學的全部技能讓先生或我自己或我們倆開始自己的事業。

其實好像就這兩樣了。哈哈哈哈！