我們再賭一次吧！【第三篇：冷刀息肉切除術術後照顧及感想】

【11/3 第一天】

在手術後，其實超級昏沈。也許是因為前一天沒睡好吧。好不容易計程車到了家，在麥當勞買了餐，在車上點了Uber Eats的粥，就拖著疲憊的身體上樓。又累又渴，好像不管喝多少水，喉嚨的乾痛感都一直在。吃了一些雞塊，把粥放一邊後就回房裡大睡直到先生回家。

昏沉的身體走出房間，他問問我今天如何。其實手術完沒什麼感覺，可能因為麻藥還在。沒有說幾句話，扒了幾口粥就又回房裡睡。這一睡就是早上七點。

【11/4 第二天】

一清醒，發現這是我從未有的好精神！

快快樂樂地墊上一般型衛生棉就上班去。一整天大約就流大約日用型一片2/3的血量。當天晚上也是愉快的要躺上床進入夢鄉時，才頓悟「完了，完全沒睡意」。前一天我大概從下午五點一直睡到早上七點，所以沒睡意是正常。就這樣失眠了一整晚加上開始有經痛的感覺，所以也吞了一顆普拿疼，大約到4-5點才睡回去。

【11/5-7 第三-五天】

原本一片的血量開始多，但也多不到需要換。但可很明顯發現它。流。出。來。了。源源不絕的鮮血就這樣一直流。第四天也是，第五天也是！還好鍾醫師會回私人訊息，我問他這是否正常量，他說沒錯，請繼續保養。當時每天大約就是1.5片日用型衛生棉的量。

【11/8 第六天】

在第五天晚上終於發現經血瞬間截止，呈深棕色。第六天一早去了中醫生（真的是中醫）問了診，拿了調氣血及增強免疫的藥。目前吃了三天，除了週日晚上會有的失眠，其他都還蠻正常的。

【11/9 第七天】

現在仍是有些棕色。我自己也有點不清楚目前狀況如何，到底何時月經會來。就等吧！總之，我很開心息肉被取出，明天【11/10 第八天】回診。應該就可以比較明朗之前息肉及目前狀況如何。

在取卵後，不久做冷刀手術我是站在一個不是贊成但也不反對的狀態。原本是想說這樣很善加利用時間，不過真正做了後覺得蠻傷身體的。因為前後要全身麻醉兩次，這除了都要禁水禁食八小時外，就是那個昏沉的感覺了。麻藥一般在身體裡會殘留一週時間，所以目前就是要好好運動跟休息。讓身體恢復到極佳狀態。

我們再賭一次吧！【第二篇：子宮鏡與冷刀息肉切除術】

我在徐醫師的照顧之下，也在第三次造訪時做了子宮鏡。在華育生殖中心本身就有子宮鏡檢查，所以直接跟著護士到另一間診間即可。躺在上面，跟一般內診沒什麼兩樣，只是旁邊的機器會注水，用細細的管子把子宮注水後，醫生就可用鏡頭探測子宮內壁上是否有息肉。做完之後只會微微悶悶，跟輕微經痛差不多。但一天後就沒感覺了。

一看是可看到一些，醫生可以在取卵後做自費的冷刀息肉手術。一般健保息肉手術是電燒，會有影響子宮壁與增加沾黏可能，這都是還希望可生產的女性不希望發生的。而冷刀手術就是可以避免這些並且防止復發機率較高的方式。雖然動則4-6萬，不過有實支實付的朋友是可以直接請保險公司付掉的。而我之前買的保險都屬「住院」理賠的，所以只能負擔部分費用。

閉嘴，錢在這！

這次的手術，我沒有想要在徐醫生那邊做，第一是因為價錢有點高，第二是覺得應該找個主治醫生做。所以就在附近的中山醫院看到有鄢醫師及鍾醫師都是在網路上有寫相關冷刀文章的醫師。

我選了鍾醫師，因為請假次數有限，希望可以好好善用一天的時間，所以就很厚臉皮的跟醫生在他的臉書上先與他做了最初的問診。醫生本身也很樂意為我解答（佛心！）所以問了許多我自己有疑惑的問題，希望可在第一次就診時就可處理掉息肉。鍾醫師也非常願意配合我這種方式。所以在第一次會診後，也就順利的進行開刀。

昨天就是開刀日，也是我第一次見到鍾醫師。他的人非常親切也非常明理。我的狀況在還沒見到面時他以暸若指掌。在做完陰超後他就安排了開刀時間。我也已準備好，自己在早上六點前已沒進食或水。在進到開刀房，發現大家雖然都很忙，但態度親切友善，甚至還非常有幽默感！並也都很注意我的心情，一直跟我說不要緊張，等你醒來就已經好囉！

這次費用：42,000（手術本身）＋12,000（醫師手術費）＋3000（麻醉費）＝$57,200 

（我的保險理賠手術費會在下週才知道多少）

也是，氧氣罩一放上，我下個意識就是覺得喉嚨有東西卡著不能吞嚥。原來是呼吸導管還在我咽喉裡。讓我最痛的就是它！哈哈哈！醒來後就昏昏沈沈，一整天！喝了水、回到家、昏沉睡又醒。吃了東西，又睡、又醒。之後在最後一次進食就從晚上五六點一直睡到第二天早上七點多。

爽！

起來後精神奕奕。不痛，只有微流血。就等下週二的報告囉！

我們再賭一次吧！【第一篇：生殖中心怎麼選跟找到不孕病灶】

在第一次嘗試試管嬰兒後，我去看到了宇宙的起源（之前文章）。慢慢對於生孩子及其他不可控制的人生開始有點釋懷。甚至到後來對於生孩子有點無所謂。不過，我其實一直覺得明明自己跟先生的檢查指數都屬正常，內膜厚度也都很好，甚至輸卵管都是通的，沒道理連懷都懷不上啊！加上眼看這今年即將過，我也即將突破40大關，就與先生在八月開始好好聊了第二次試管的療程及方式。最後，彼此都同意也希望再做一次IVF嘗試。

這次，我決定好好的做我的研究，把台北大家都蠻推崇的前幾家生殖中心都跑一遍，自己去感受一下醫生及生殖中心人員與我的「緣分」。以下是之前第一次IVF及檢查的結果：

2017 AMH 2.33 (normal range: 2.00-6.80)

2019 May AMH: 2.56

2019 July #1 transfer (兩顆A跟B級的) 失敗

2020 Feb syphilis＆HIV: NEG

2020 March 7 #2 transfer (5BB, CMx2. With E2: 184.5, P4: 17.21) 失敗

2020 Aug AMH: 1.38 - 送子鳥檢查出的。

以下是我去造訪的生殖中心：

黃建榮生殖中心

剛進去，超多人在等待。進到醫生問診間就一連串的醫藥類的類推銷方式直接介紹我他們的服務。不外乎就是PGS及我好奇的子宮刮搔術。問完我最關心的價錢後，他們說：「如果要在我們這邊做，我們的某某醫生及黃醫生都會全程照顧你。」是很有安全感的感覺，但卻少不了那sales的味道。加上生殖中心地理位置其實根本不在我去任何地方的路上，所以雖然也有在那邊抽了AMH指數，就再也沒回去過了。

送子鳥生殖中心 - 賴興華

傳說中的「內湖、新竹貴婦生殖中心」。剛到那邊還看了下google map，原來就是很像藝廊的地方。進去，非常舒服，抽血設備之高級（紅外線找你血管機器）及檢驗所都是自家的，所以在那邊檢查一個小時內就出來。剛開始的解說人員也都很親切、解說詳細。

不過

一到了樓上，sales攻勢立馬展開，還沒進診間就有另一位男生溫柔的向我解說收費及醫生建議做PGS及做PGS的好處，價目表一覽無遺。主要就是說我的年紀到了，這樣可以提高我成功機率到70-80%，但這一切都是在我的血液報告尚未出來及未做陰超的狀況之下說的。

聽在這種一般都是逼不得已才會來做試管嬰兒的女人或夫妻的耳裡，根本就是逼死人，我自己是覺得這種銷售方式非常不道德。但這還不是最糟的。進去跟賴醫師終於說到話，但他說的跟之前的sales一模一樣，連陰超都沒做，劈頭就說：「你這樣的AMH（1.38）要集很多卵，然後要做PGS這樣機率才會大喔！」我整個人傻眼。想當然爾，我也再沒回去過了。

TFC生殖中心 - 林時羽

傳說中的「台積電生殖中心」，就位於超高科技的信義區大樓裡，與電通同一棟。一進去，氣勢就不同，一進到候診室一陣：「哇～這真的就是匯集各大知名醫生為一個屋簷下的生殖中心！」的感覺怵然入目...靠！好多人在等啊！！！！

我選林時羽，之後覺得應該直接選曾啟瑞或譚舜仁。

反正林醫師一開始就一直跟我說要加他的FB，可以直接跟他聯絡等等。他的方式也是跟送子鳥的賴醫生一樣，屬於「集卵派」。他知道我上次的AMH及掃過陰道超波，就說，一定要集到15顆以上。看了陰超，一直覺得我濾泡不夠。問了價錢，要價跟送子鳥一樣。我就say bye bye了。

在看完送子鳥與TFC，我其實蠻難過又覺得有點不可置信「我真的TM到這地步，要集卵、要花那麼多錢嗎？去年不是還很ＯＫ的嗎？！」

王家瑋生殖中心

好了，拖到最後終於去了「基隆路生殖扛壩子 - 王牌王家瑋」。

一到那邊，當然超多人，等了兩個多小時。看到王醫師，照了陰超。他說：「不錯喔，濾泡蠻多的」哇～原本很低落的心情頓時變好。也連帶地問他關於其他醫生跟我說要集卵的事，他說其實他們是屬於「悲觀派的」覺得集卵可拉高機率。總有一顆等到你的概念。

王醫師說他自己覺得卵的質比量重要，所以他也很鼓勵我，覺得我的狀況不錯，就算是之前測的1.38其實是正常。（這讓我更加覺得之前的醫生真的很糟糕，習慣用『恐懼』來做賣點）還有王醫師也覺得PGS沒有那麼厲害，他甚至都需要勸導夫妻不要做PGS。聽到這我更加深信王醫師knows his shit而且不做恐懼行銷。之後我也有問他我是否需要做免疫，這也是很多版上大家討論的重點。問到這王醫師的說法也是令我非常滿意，他說：「免疫你都檢查，一定會有不在指數範圍裡的，不過這跟懷不了孕是沒有關係的，我幫你針對重點項目測看看就好。」

檢測完並聽完王醫師說的話後，覺得信心大增，不過也在第三次造訪後，覺得那邊等待時間實在太長，路途也不甚方便，加上王醫師日理萬機，所以就先沒有考慮在那邊開始療程。

華育生殖中心 - 徐明義

其實這家是我一開始就有寫在名單上，但你也知道，找越多資訊會越被資訊埋沒。找的方向也變得很亂。然後到臉書版上問了一輪又有問到華育，想說離家近那就去看下吧。其實華育在網路上沒有太多的評價。徐明義醫師我也只知道他是之前萬芳醫院的醫學中心婦產科主任，對生殖醫學也很有研究。

初診時，也許因為我晚報到，其實我就是最後一位，前面的人都走光，一到就直接進診間。徐醫師非常親切，超音波手腳也很細（這就要說到之前黎惠波，每次照超音波都不是很舒服，造成我對陰超很反感）。看了後，徐醫生對我卵泡評價也不錯，覺得可以打長效型Elnova排卵針。不過當時如果打了，隔週需要回診。而我當時正與老公要去綠島玩。所以跟醫生說下個週期開始。

隔了三週，回診，徐醫師也看了我的卵泡，他覺得很棒。以下就是我的養卵療程：

10/19：開始了第一針，也就是長效型Elnova排卵針＋隔天開始吃Provera（防止排掉卵子）$25,000

10/24：三天的Menopur美諾孕，200IU $6,500

10/27：兩天的Gonal-F 果納芬(450IU)，225IU $7,500

10/30：取卵 （13顆）

（這些我發現其實都是公定價）

在這之中，徐醫師也有幫我照子宮鏡($5,000)，這一照可不得了...

竟然發現我多處有息肉！

當時他有說，其實我都沒有任何「陰道不正常出血」、「分泌物帶有血絲」、「性行為後或排便時異常出血」、「經期過長」（這有一點，不過都是咖啡色的少少）、「經血量過大」（這反倒還有點變少）等子宮息肉徵狀。

我自己親眼看到後非常驚訝，想說這該不會就是我完全沒有懷孕的原因？

說到這邊，我自己也需要承擔一點責任。在備孕的一開始，我就做了輸卵管攝影，當時卻不知道子宮鏡也需要一起做。一直到這兩年才在不孕留言板上有聽到，不過當時也都沒想太多。甚至連第一次做了IUI黎惠波醫生也沒有建議，我就想應該也沒關係。其實醫生也不是萬能或什麼都可面面俱到的，加上其實黎醫師要面對的患者很多，一定會有所疏失或比較不細心的地方。

其實這也是我最後沒選王家瑋醫師的原因。不是說他會不細心，而是面對那麼多的患者，他一定會有所遺漏或疏失。不過很棒的是，我從兩次與王醫師會診後，他有跟我講到一般生殖中心會跟我們說「輸卵管會水腫，會影響到子宮也水腫的狀況，所以要再做一次輸卵管攝影」這件事，如果當初輸卵管攝影是通的，只是會在顯影上有些微腫，這都不是水腫的徵狀，而是顯影劑造成的暫時狀況。所以不需要再做一次輸卵管攝影。

講到那邊我心中可安了個心。因為輸卵管攝影真是目前為止我做過的檢查或療程裡最痛苦的一件事。

另外，徐醫師其實也很細心地觀看說會不會有子宮內膜異位的可能，在內壁上看有沒有徵狀。目前看來是都沒有，不過也會在要處理息肉時，請當時的醫生幫我好好檢查一下。

總結，對於現在仍在選擇不知道要去哪家生殖中心的朋友來說，我的忠誠建議就是「多去看看，跟醫師好好討論一下」。因為這一做下去都是十幾萬在跑，小資族的我們真是不堪幾次的測試。奉勸大家，多去找找多去看看絕對是對於要做IVF或IUI的朋友最佳建議。另外在之前，就先忍痛做一下輸卵管及子宮鏡吧！

I'm tired of trying to get pregnant! (2016 - 2020 end)

This is the 11th month (maybe around 2016) of me trying to get pregnant. I've been going from taking my basal temperature, apps that count your ovulation days, ovulation kit, to self cervical check. I think now I can truly say that I'm an expert in counting days and understanding the anatomy of my cervix. Too much information, I know.

My emotions went from being hopeful to eager to slightly stressed out, then it turned to utter disappointment when I see the monthly visit of Aunt Flo. The emotional torture over the months have made me less disappointed, stressed out and tired.

I used to fantasize about the possibility of "what if it's this month", and wondered how I would tell my husband, my family, my friends. But that, of course, ended with nothing every month.

Now it's the 25th month of trying (2018), the same thing still persists. After chatting with Will this morning about this frustration of mine and that I keep on finding ways to make this baby happen (Chinese medicine, OPK, BBT). And I'd get super shut off after knowing my period arrives every month. Will says that I should focus on making our relationship better. I know he's right because, since the last entry of 14 months ago, I don't think I've done anything differently. So maybe it is time to REALLY start focusing on us rather than the ephemeral dream of "baby hope". 

So update again! It's been more than 3 years since we first started trying and our relationship has gotten better, hurray!!! But still no baby. So I finally decided to go the renowned Dr. Monty Li （黎惠波）, so IVF here we come! 

Today is actually the egg retrieval and sperm collection day for us. Not much on Will's end as the name says it all. My journey has been a bit more... well, painful.

On June 1st, 2019, the second day of my menstrual cycle, I went to my Dr. Monty and we did a vaginal ultrasound and found that I had about 15 follicles. This will indicate how many there will be when we harvest them. Since then, I started my first Gonal-F injection for six days. The needle looks scary but it's really a piece of cake compared to what will come next. On the sixth day, we did another ultrasound and found that there are 12 maturing ones, so I continued with Gonal-F with Orgalutran for six more days. Then it comes to the 10th where I got my blood drawn to see what the numbers of progesterone and something else looked like plus another ultrasound. And yes, we have 12 follicles and the numbers look great aside from Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome. Then I had to take 3 more shots (HCG and Decapeptyl). Those Decapeptyl shots were killers!!! 

On the morning of the 12th, I had my eggs retrieved. Then I waited for another month to be transferred. There are two tubes, two nicely graded embryos in Team A, and three in Team B. 

Long story short, I got Team A but didn't get pregnant. Now 8 months later (March 2020), I'm doing another one with Team B. 

Dr. Monty has started his own practice again somewhere around 行天宮 on the orange line. But then I figured since it's only another implant, I don't really need him. So I chose another doctor, Dr. Lee （李新揚）

I started my yet another drug-taking process, though this time, without the needles. Today is March 6th and just got my blood taken so we'll see what the doctor says on the 9th if I can actually get that last implant. To be honest, I'm not sure what I will do if this round fails again. But since I'm out of job again, I feel like it might not be that big of a deal (?) 

Today (March 10th, 2020) I went to the hospital and Dr. Lee did my transfer. The process was more traumatic than I remembered, but the nurses and Dr. Lee were supportive and kind. It was all done within 30 minutes. I don't know what will happen in 10 days, but I hope it's something good. Though I won't lie, I'm a bit apprehensive about being pregnant, I know this is like counting your eggs before they hatch (or implanted!) Anyway, I strongly feel that Will and I have a great relationship and I hope it'll keep on being like this and improving till we die with or without babies.

Yesterday (3/17) I had a terrible night, had to pee 3 or 4 times that night and had multiple dreams regarding telling my last boss to eff off to some random stuff. I've been feeling tired and crampy pretty much since I had the transfer on 3/10. I think the first two days were just from the transfer (the process was not pleasant but not terrible). Now, every now and then I'll get a crampy feeling like my period is about to come. Then today I started having this metallic taste in my mouth which is very weird, but then again my nose has been a bit stuffy. I've been watching and reading about IVF and TWW and all those acronyms hoping that I can get some comfort. But it just drove me into a deeper hole. Thankfully I have virtual interviews to go through to take my mind off of things for a bit. 

(3/20 after the beta blood draw) 
So the second time isn't the charm. 

I had swollen breasts, heavy uterus feeling, tiredness, increased appetite. All the symptoms that a pregger is suppsed to have, and cramps. Thought this time I shouldn't have been so naive and think that it'll be different. 

I went to Dr. Lee, said since all my numbers all looked good, it might be the chromosomes, older women and men would more likely to produce bad eggs and sperm. But to be honest, from all the research that I've heard, we don't know and we'll probably never know how and why some people are just infertile. I cried a bit after I got home. I felt stupid for feeling sad about something I (or no one on this earth) has any control over. And I think that's why I wasn't so sad the first time, and probably I thought I still have one more shot. Now, this shot has been done and no baby still. Of course I feel that this is it, we'll just be a childless couple now. I mean the world is going to shits with the virus and overpopulation and all. The most environmental thing to do is to limit our numbers. 

(3/21) Why should it work this time? Why should I have kids? Why do I think we "deserve" kids and some others who have them are dorks or less than us? Who the fuck am I? And why the fuck do I think that having kids should be a goal of mine, just cos it's the norm and that my mom feels that having my sister and I are the two biggest achievements in her life? I have no idea why I want kids other than the fact that there's an innate feeling of "want". It's a selfish feeling. Even though the world is overpopulated, I'm like "Fuck the world, I want to pass on my genes. And that I think I'll make a better human than all the rest of y'all losers. I want to see what my genes will look like!" And being the only thing I've encountered that I can't control, this is the one thing in my life that hasn't worked out since I started wanting it 4 years ago. I know one day when I read this I'll feel foolish and this whole thing might be so trivial and insignificant, I hate being tied to this "want", it reminds me when I was a smoker, being controlled by a desire. To me, that's a weakness. It's just that this desire isn't a pack of NT$100 thing I can buy at any corner. 

＊＊＊On a happier note, I got a job offer the same day when I got the news that I'm not pregnant. ＊＊＊

The Aftermath

Day 1
I didn't feel any prolonged enlightenment, but I felt a bit traumatized by the effect the day before. My body and soul were tired probably because I couldn't sleep so well the night before. The reason that I had a fitful sleep was that I was so afraid of being sketched out and not being able to sleep after the experience, I took melatonin. Little did I know that melatonin was the reactivation for what I just did. Therefore my whole night was reliving scenes of the day before. Not saying that the experience was bad, but to experience it in real life, it is scary and overwhelming as hell.

We went on a bike ride and by the end of it, I was wiped out. That night I still took melatonin, the fitful sleep continued for another night. I feel like I'm tethered to reality.

Day 2
I didn't feel anything special when I went to work the next day. And I wasn't able to process much of what my reality is and how to move forward. That night, I decided against the melatonin because I saw a video about how it is a reactivation agent. Then I turned to the Wim Hof breathing technique because I did it before the experience by recommendation from people on the internet. Then I suddenly felt calmness washed over me. What I experienced wasn't traumatic anymore, instead, I was able to clear my thoughts and start to embrace my whole experience to reality. I began to have more sense of everything, and I stopped taking melatonin for sleeping and I started to sleep great with visions of my experience in my dreams of half-awaken dreams. Amazing.

Day 3

I had to wake up early for a work thing, so I was out and about in the beautiful mountains and the ocean. The day was more than perfect despite that fact I had to work. I found beauty within the smallest things like watching eagles soaring in the sky, the beautiful blue waves hitting against the rocks, and my new coworkers drinking a glass of beer while watching the ocean. I'm so lucky to be alive and be so privileged to have a job that I like, coworkers who are smart and work together well, and a loving husband and family to support me. Living is a bliss. Reality is where I'm at. 

Day 4

This is the first day after my experience when I started working out in the morning before I go to work. And before going to the gym I did Wim Hof. At the gym, I did my usual circuit training and my whole body was tingling. And between sets, I was able to vibrate at that frequency again. I held up my palms at one point in between my sets and I felt the energy passing between them. Then I started doing short meditation after my workout, and for the whole day, I felt happy, calm, and content. I've been doing  Wim Hof again before sleep and before going to the gym and I'm slowly getting the feeling of balance and how I can move on from my experience.

Day 5
I watched a lot of videos on the subject of Wim Hof and my experience. I've always had more sensations in the morning than at night and I can also hold my breath better in the morning than at night too. Today I also discovered the "God Frequency", which isn't that uncommon since I've been listening to many meditation recordings from Jason Stephenson. I went up to 852hz before when I couldn't sleep, but this God Frequency really tuned in to my experience but I couldn't listen to it cuz of how overwhelming it is. 

Day 6
Before I thought after my experience I should be a more serene and enlightened person. But that's not true. I still feel sadness, anger, but less frustration than before. Though after a long day of work and having to deal with the people at the subway station and everywhere else still sends me back to my old self. I realized it, and I think it's fun to be able to be in and out of a state of mind. I think having that ability to not want to feel like a certain way is really a switch, but before I couldn't find the switch, I knew it exists. And now I know where one switch is and I'm learning how to switch it on and off. 

My sister is adorable and I should tell her more how amazing of a person she is.

Day 7
The morning breathing session sent me to that space where I was in my experience. I got super tired in the afternoon so I took a nap. Then had a wonderful evening with a friend. But at night, I got really anxious after my first wave of sleep ended around 2am. I've always been anxious at night if I were left alone. I wonder why that is. What am I afraid of? Ghost? Intruders? The shadows in the dark. My own thought haunts me, all the bad images, bad situations, bad intentions, the worse scenario that sort of thing. It was all in my head and my mind is preventing me from sleeping. I want to explore more on this. I'm getting the feeling that alcohol doesn't agree with me much anymore. But I'm savoring food a lot more these days. Yummy!

Day 8
My daytime breathing session sent me off into another space. My body isn't here anymore, but I still have the perspective of being in it, though I couldn't feel anything but only my consciousness. I began to see waves of colors and lights, there are waves of sensations running through my body and yet I couldn't feel it on the skin. Then I felt strong energy surrounding my abdominal area, it was the heat, strong red/orangey energy circling. I had to go back to my breathing to calm myself down. Then it passed. I felt energetic and in a daze at the same time. 

If this is heaven on earth, my experience has given me the key to unlocking it. The rest I have to practice walking in there and cultivate it myself. Today I also got to work in my garden again. I did that after my session and I'm so focused. I rearranged my plants and they look great. Tonight we're having Cajun pasta. I can't wait!

Day 9 onwards
The Wim Hof technique still gives me different feelings, it can be physical, mental, spiritual, or sometimes nothing. I'm still discovering the equilibrium balance in my reality. I'm not there yet, and I might spend all my life trying to reach that, and that's ok. I'm starting to take cold showers now, and I'm ok with that. I love my job, I'm focused on what I do now. When I remember, I open my eyes and see all the kindness miracles that happen around me and I feel grateful. When I'm getting annoyed, I step back and look at this annoyance and at myself. Then I suddenly feel that it's all so silly and I move on. If it's something that needs to be addressed, I talk about it with the person involved or it is myself I have a dialogue with. Life is too short and precious to be hung up on the negatives. I love the life I've made for myself and the people in it. And I will keep going like this until my last breath on this reality. Thank you for being. 

Highly Recommended Music for Meditation or post-Wim Hof:
Throat Chakra Music
Crown Chakra Music
Full Body Chakra Music Cleanse
741 Hz Cleansing Music 

Before it began, it already happened.

Before it began, it already happened. That was my very first understanding of the 5. 

This is what happened:

I was in a soft bed, I inhaled through an argon vape, I held in the cool air in my lungs and as soon as my head hit the pillow, my reality glazed over with overlapping visuals. The feeling intensified to a point so I closed my eyes. Instantaneously, I seized to exist. There was only darkness. Time and space don’t exist here. There was no me, no others, no the world we as we know it, just emptiness. Then a light appeared from the bottom, it was Buddha. An overwhelming glow took over me, Buddha was me, everyone, everything. I dissolved into everything. Everything was nothing and nothing was part of forever. 

My mental self and soul gave in. Everything dissipated into one nothingness and vibrates at the same frequency. Being and not existing at the same time. I was everything and everything is One. Peacefulness. If that’s what Nirvana is, then I’ve reached it. 

Enlightenment. 

Then I could feel my heartbeat, it was pounding hard. I wanted to die, to go back to that euphoria, that Oneness. Then I dropped through a dark tunnel with large thorns, afterward, I was in a bright mirror-like dome space with the most beautiful primary-colored, geometrical patterns. The farther I looked, the dome just extended. The sensation felt like all my cells turned into pieces of thin beautiful, colorful dome glass. This dimension exists both inside and outside of myself. There was no inside or out, just being. The feeling and those patterns were unbearably beautiful. Everything was vibing at the same frequency. 

Every inch of my cell was a universe. I took it in. In reality, it looked like I was tasting with my mouth. Unbearable euphoria washed over everything, music with messages about eternity roared into my consciousness. An entity or a few of them were in the dome dimension with me, they were people-like, giant, transparent brain with light-colored patterns, white (that’s the closest color alike) robe-wearing entity or entities. On hindsight, they might be the people with me in the room in reality, but they possess a power over this space that made me scared and humble in awe.

The primary colored-dome/dimention kept changing patterns. My cells were overwhelmed with sensations unlike anything worldly. It was utter euphoria. There was no use resisting, only letting them in, and they washed over me. It was love, it was fear, it was everything beyond what I can think of or have words for. There was no logic or thinking, only feeling. 

Surrender. 

Then opened my eyes I looked around the room. I saw my husband, I remembered my sister and my family. I can’t die, not now. I’m so lucky to be alive, to be loved. A wave of gratitude washed over me. I started sobbing. This fuckin' beautiful world, how silly was I to think that I can things to happen that's beyond my control. Everything I was hung up on is only a speckle in life. I know what I want to do with my life now. I also know what’s important but there will be a lot of work ahead of me. I’m so thankful to be alive. I kept crying while slowly coming out of it. My work has just begun.

Reborn.

我只記得我坐在一張非常舒適的床，周圍圍繞著關心我與我關心的人。一個灌滿氬氣的電池煙斗出現在眼前。一股腦的我吸入裡面的煙霧、閉氣、躺下。當頭接觸柔軟的枕頭上時，我的眼睛似乎上了一層暖色調的幾何透明圖層。這個感受太強烈，所以閉上了眼睛。瞬間的「我」不再存在，只有黑暗。時間空間全部消失，沒有我、沒有其他人、沒有我所認知的世界及現實。剩下一個黑暗，不冷不熱因為我已經失去感受。不知道時間過了多久從意識下方出現一陣光，這陣光漸漸擴大，是佛，超級光亮的光一點都不刺眼，因為眼睛早已不存在，只有感受。佛是我、是眾生、是萬物。我即是萬物，萬物是全部也是無，這個無即是永遠。

我的意識及靈魂早已投降，全部的全部早已昇華成無並顫動在同一個頻率上。存在與不存在不是兩極而是無盡的循環。萬物歸一，極樂世界。沒有感受，只有無盡的平和，我想這就是涅槃。

豁然了悟

這時開始我感受到我的心跳，不過身體形態仍是不存在的。我想再回去剛才的涅槃狀態，歸一。這時我正墜落在一個有荊棘的黑洞。出現到一個極致絢麗的次元裡，充滿紅綠藍及光形成的幾何圖形的地方。圓頂狀的次元，當我試圖專注在某一個圖形，那個圖形將無限延伸。這是我細胞、分子的延伸。分子變成無限色彩的薄玻璃，出現在我的內與外，內與外不再是兩極而是循環。全部的全部顫動在同一個頻率上。如此極致的美麗，耳朵出現天籟之音跟著頻率顫動著這個次元。

我臣服。

每個分子都是宇宙，我的每個分子已臣服於祂，感受祂的全部與我的融合。實際上，我張開了嘴伸了舌頭在品嚐牠。極致的欣快感覆蓋全部，音樂及其中關於永恆的訊息如雷霆般湧入我的意識中。我感受到旁邊有其他的形體，他們形象如人，但他們的腦袋巨大並呈透明狀，有粉紅色的光循環在他們的腦裡。白光形成的外衣。他們在次元裡的出現讓我感到畏懼及敬畏，同時自我意識早已無蹤。

原色的次元在變換形狀，我的分子已昇華成一部分，極致的欣快感充滿著每個分子、發亮。欣快感的成分有愛、有畏懼、有希望、有死亡全部已成為無盡的循環，歸一。思想及意識不再，只有精神昇華。

這時我睜開了眼，看到我四周的人，我記得這個世上的所有事物。我開始哭泣，我們的美即是我們的脆弱，我們所犯的全部過錯讓我們成為美麗的人類。我的心充滿感動、悲憫及愛，我是如此的幸運可以擁有這次生存在這個世上的機會。我流的淚是感激，是我對於在這世上萬物的感激。之前拘泥的事物讓現在的我感到可愛，因為存在只是一個意識。我的眼淚不斷的湧出，如果剛剛的感受是死亡，那我已經不畏懼死亡，但我需要在這世上好好活著，活出最好的我，盡我所能讓萬物共生。眼前的工作才正要開始。

重生。

大哭跟解僱

今天凌晨五點－我大哭

事情是這樣，我從我有記憶以來曾在作夢夢到過於感傷時會在夢裡大哭然哭到後哭醒。昨晚我又哭醒了。夢到之前我蠻信任的同事跟我說我會被解僱是因為他們找到一些證據。給我看了證據，當下跟一位很久以前的主管解釋，主管非常不領情反倒非常暴怒，完全不聽我解釋，轉頭就走。剩下我，面對著其他前同事，讓我覺得非常委屈及無地自容。驚醒後立即大哭。

其實不是要講大哭，而是這次被解僱這件事。

就說最近這次。剛開始跟他們談的時候，他們要給的薪水實在遠遠低於我上一份工作，所以我禮貌地婉拒了他們。以為事情就這樣過了。一個禮拜後，主要的投資人又跟我約。這次我們都退一步，高興地握了手，同意接下來的週一就開始在那邊上班。

在這個健身房工作的人大部分都幾乎在30歲上下，有些現場人員甚至才剛畢業不久，是一個非常年輕有活力的健身房。公司很歡樂、大家感情很好。我也信心滿滿地開始朝我剛開始跟投資人說的方向下去做我規劃的行銷策略。既然是一個「科技平台」我當然爾把目標都對準線上。不料，在一轉換系統之前就知道新的app並不會有任何行銷功能。既然如此，網站變成一項「凸顯品牌加上與大眾解釋我們並不是一個健身房而已」概念的重要的工具。加上內容行銷也是我的專長，又認識許多厲害的寫手，想說雖然沒有app的協助，但這難不倒我。

不料在每一季的一對一，信心滿滿的跟老闆說出計劃後，得到的答案竟然是：「目前不用想網站的事，因為最近是不會發生的。」不想更新網站或有其他比較重要的事需要先處理，我也理解。山不轉路轉：那就把既有的社群媒體及線下的活動做好吧！

其實這個健身房與我合作過的餐廳蠻像的。即使薪資在業界裡都算是標準以下，核心成員都有非常的向心力。大家台面上感情也相當好。在外界看來，公司本身的形象感覺上非常光鮮亮麗，老闆（及投資人）也讓外界感覺具有相當的財力及智慧。老闆也非常有野心的在一年裡一口氣開了四家健身房。看準的就是房地產的CP值。（看點位置一定在交通樞紐、一坪不超過多少錢blah blah blah的投資經）

在這樣看似條件良好的情況下，我們受到許多外界品牌及公司的主動邀約合作或是企業包班。B2B這件事做起來非常有成就感。線上行銷部分，雖然積極的想要釐清每個管道的定位，卻一直找不到確切的方向。雖然有app，但這個app一直都在行銷或甚至發布通知使不上力。臉書就變成公司成員覺得什麼都該放的大平台。

加上四個場館都有不同的客群，每個月的行銷計畫總是被突如其來的營運行銷打亂，導致行銷給公司內部的感覺都是在做追趕的動作。看到這種狀況，我當然開始製作一連串相關的流程及定位，為的就是希望這種追趕可以在今年上半年消失，大家可以以好好的開始為公司做有效的行銷計畫。但計畫總是趕不是變化，在2020二月底，開完週會後，公司其中一位投資人找我「聊天」。最後他說由於公司需要縮編，他即將接手行銷部門。我當然就被革職。在這八個月，說理解健身產業嗎？不盡然，因為自己的老闆對於台灣市場也都是一知半解。但我的確在每次被解僱或決定離開一家公司所學到的都是「如何『不要』當一個老闆」。

這個健身房老闆及投資人相當欠缺對於其產業及台灣市場暸解，甚至本身對於健身場館營運及設計也完全沒有概念及經驗就下去蓋了四家健身房，在任何一位投資人都沒有在科技產業裡過過水就收購一間台灣app公司。這種行為對我來說非常草率及莽撞，甚至有種「土豪硬幹」的感覺。想當然，這一年後發現營運碰到許多解決不了的硬體問題或營收上與當初規劃的收費價位上有相當的衝突。而他們今年即將又有一個非常大的計畫，我只能說我祝他們成功。

這種「做了再說」的態度，讓我感到敬佩，但不敢恭維。

有可能是因為新冠狀病毒或是時機關係，突然發現我自己身邊的人有不少也最近離職或被裁員的好朋友。

前幾天看到呱吉在李四端的「大雲時堂」裡說：「如果你想要當一個人緣很好的人，第一個就是讓自己充滿利用價值，當你有足夠的利用價值時，你的友誼就可以維持很久。因為所有的人都想要聽你說的話，跟你相處在一起。」

在跌跌撞撞的職場上這幾年，唯一的小確幸就是很幸運碰到許多非常有才華的人，尤其慶幸這些人也願意把我當朋友。在聽彼此發牢騷，或是大家聚在一起聊最近看了什麼無腦好笑的動漫之中，大家也不斷的在自己領域裡茁壯或甚至換了跑道，在新的跑道裡開始規劃自己的一片天。原本在昨晚夢魘裡面無法跳脫出的我，想到有這些朋友，突然也像今天的天空依樣豁然開朗了。

祝每個有頭腦又聰明（及非常有利用價值）的我們在2020可以發光發熱。